I have always struggled with self security, searching so reasurence outside my inner space. Looking for attention, love, appreciation left me wounded as I was willing to cross personal limits and do whatever I could to plaster that hole. The wirdo, the crazy one, the misunderstood were the stickers that always left me lacking and victiming around. I believe self worth issues emerge from abandonment wounds as a result of missing adult being able to see you or hold you in a way you desire to be held and seen. Sometimes we don’t even need world of praise, compliments or gifts, maybe just a loving smile or eyes filled with sparkle. As a child I had no ides how to translate to myself that I do matter, that I am unique and that my energy is felt and necessary. The little hole of pain started to fill with anger, that I am currently digging out. It’s a dirty job, lonely one and not a pleasurable one. My problem (or advantage?) is that once something is brought up to my sight I can no longer ignore it or blame others for it. Here I am taking responsibility as an adult.
Children asking for attention
The was a lonely child asks for attention it can be triggering for busy adults that themselves carry wounds of absency and abandonment. How van someone give what they are missing?
Often adults respond with anger or misunderstanding the need of the child. The child is constantly getting a message that they did something wrong or that they need to call the attention (in a better case) and the adult just resents being around them more. It is a vicious circle adding the anger and grossing the gap between the parent and child.
A child has no idea how to ask for attention with adult vocabulary, so they do it in a childlish manner, making silly theatre, squeaquing, with noise or tantrums. Whatever their tool box offers, and their intuition helping them to get what they need.
Loosing confidence
I lost my confidence around the time I got asthma. Maybe I was 10. It is an exact moment where I broke down and knew that I can no longer follow my intuition, trust my feelings or be who I came here to be. It’s kind of like when they put you in a prison and you know you will be there for years. The only thing that I felt was that I have so much to say to the world, but my feeling was mostly met with the opposite opinions :You suck. I deeply wanted to reassure myself that the feeling is right and since the approval didn’t come I stopped breathing. To the present day I am addicted to smoking, and if I didn’t have small children I would probably smoke 30 a day. That feeling of having the crutch and being able to make a full inhale is priceless. Currently I am finding techniques to start breathing, but doing this alone makes me feel scared and lonely. Why should it? I am an adult, I no longer have to validate outside my system right?
As a result of not being sure with myself, I doubt a lot of what I do. I am deeply connected to my intuition, but I question her so often! Whenever I feel a pull to do something from the heart, my doubts want to run the show.