The fear of being rejected for rage and weaning Yuka
I never want you to love me more than you love yourself (plus other weaning stories)
I find it very important for mothers to listen to their feelings and don’t prioritize the needs of their child all the time. This needs to be a dance of balance, so they both can thrive and success. For some time I have been aware of Yuka’s constant depedency of the breast. Sometimes I felt drained, sometimes irritated and sometimes very hungry. I observed my feelings about her constantly asking For Mnom Mnom, and realized it is aslo blocking me from bonding with my older girls, because “Yuka is nursing can you wait?”. I will share all my three weaning journeys, write about why it’s important to follow your feeling and listen to your rage, share about the the fear of rejection and the practicalities of weaning. How I apply honesty to the experiences with children, how the rest of the family dealt with the process. How is breastfeeding teaching me to lift off the judgment? Journey with me through the whole weaning experience!
First signs of desire to wean
My energy levels have been very low, my desire to do anything was dissolving and I was becoming blank. For some time I thought we would go on up until 3 years, but for that there would have to be balance. There was not. Yuka at 2 years still didn’t eat any solid food. She refused to go anywhere with her dad and could easily feed from 7am-2pm. Besides this I started to work, attend births and do many other projects. My creative energy was suddenly needed elsewhere and I knew that I have to follow through to make this (leaving at night to attend births) easier.
Deep down I knew, I’d had to wean her, but it felt as if something was stopping me. I was slowly realizing I am scared. What is it that I am scared of? What’s eating me?
Pinworms! after a month crying and only being carried in arms, we found out we have pinworms, and suddenly all made sense. Our weaning was paused for a while and after we finished our cure and Yuka started to ask for food, I decided to proceed with the process. The pinworm experience was a pretty straight forward way of the universe showing me how enmeshed our energies are and that we are ready for the new chapter of our life. Yuka is maybe my last baby so the difficulty in letting go is understandable. It is me who is holding onto, not her. It is me who has doubts and questions weather it is the right time, but I have to stay honest to myself and look where breastfeeding is limiting my sensuality, connection with my body and family, my sleep and my nourishment.
Is there such a thing as right time?
As well as I believe there are mothers who can nurse 3,4,5 years, I believe their decision has to be driven by complete peace and desire to do so. On the other hand I am a supporter of women following their emotional wisdom and body language.
The right time to stop is when the mother is ready to do so. For me and my body it has always been 2 years. I have had signs of my body come and knock on my door around 2 years. I weaned Fauna at 22 months, Ona at 27, and Yuka at 25.
We are safe and loved to do this together..
was the mantra that finally made us feel held. First time I introduced the option of stopping she got pretty mad and we went back to nursing again. I tried to wean during the day and feed during naps and night but she kept coming to me and asking for her friend all the time and it was even more challenging than before. When I do this I want to do it with a clear slate, without guilt and with trusting my feelings. Constantly I was asking myself weather she is not too small, but the day after we weaned she started to eat a lot, and I had to pump out, finally 3 glasses of milk came out. I saw that for two years she barely ate, barely drunk and it was all on me. I never want you to love me more than you love yourself, was running through my head lately.
Was the family on board?
Absolutely not. Every family member has been screaming “give her da milk,” until I sat them down and explained where my physical health is at. It was a challenge for them to step out the uncomfortable zone and realize Yuka is going to be a shared territory, that from now on we split the care of her. Fauna has been very helpful and sensitive with Yuka, helping her calm down, connecting with her and generally nourishing. She was very concerned if Yuka will accept the wean but understood my desire at the same time. Yesterday Yuka started to ask the whole morning and all of sudden my rage came into, only through firm boundaries I was able to resit her and I realized this is it. We are done forever and I love you baby. After telling her no, Yuka had an intense scream, but the girls decided to stay present and hold space, they were treating her emotional reaction with such normalcy that I felt present held and some kind of achiement energy for them to not have a need to escape. After that the day went on and Tomas started to give her foods and see that this will work if we all work together. I try to apply honesty to the experiences with children. I told my daughters the women choose what happens with their body and I am grateful for them to witness this journey. After the process, and during also, Tomas and Yuka have been getting closer and closer. There are much longer intervals when she hangs out with him, and during her rage moment of weaning only he could calm her down. I have needed this for such long time and now we can move to a new chapter. He had doubts, but remained in trust after seeing how determined I was. We knew it was going to be a challenge because Yuka is a true warrior.
The fear of being rejected for rage
The same night I put her to bed without Mnom Mnom easily, but I was scared for the night. At 1am she woke and searched and after I refused she started to have an extreme tantrum, scratching me, beating herself, as if she knew that was it. I went into another room with her and held the space. Suddenly I realized this was it what I was so affraid of. I was affraid of her rage. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to accept her in the rage, the same way I was resent when in rage as a child. But I was, I just sat there and held her, held myself and told her it is okay to feel the way she does, it is okay to be angry and sad about moving to the next chapter but I promised her that we will stay forever connected. It was not easy, it was not easy…
Fauna wanted me to tell her the stories…