Victoria knows there must be more

Fiction stories about women who followed their inner voices

Hey I’ll be sharing short fiction stories inspired by women and their trust in life. I dedicate these to my daughters who are my major inspiration of the diversity in feminine psyche.

I am not native so thanks for being patient with my language.

I.

It's 4 a.m. and Victoria still cannot fall asleep. It's hard to be in her own body. Her red nails are bitten and her walnut hair stands of in a messy manner. Her breath is shallow.

Some part of her wants to jump out the skin and shake. A little man inside her that cannot keep still nor silent anymore. Knowing that she will have to return to the job she hates so badly, makes her anxious. She cannot stay another day. She knows that for sure. How can she keep spending her precious days by doing the most meaningless thing on earth, filling boxes with numbers. How many years will have to pass for her to find the courage? A little pigeon appears at her window appearing lost and confused.

In her mind she goes back to the moment she got the job. Her mom was happy when she sent her a message, but Victoria was unsure. She had nothing else to do with her life so the path was… not clear but chosen for her. What else was there to do?

Victoria’s always been an excellent student, her pencils- clean and sharp, organized with the loving help of her mother, who expected manners, and clarity in objects and life. What else are we here to do if not keeping things tidy? Teachers loved Victoria for her non problematic nature. Rarely they could recall her for something outstanding or rebellious.

Was she always like this? She starts to tremble with anger. A grey mouse, taking orders without ever expressing her own opinion. No No No no. She never agreed to this, things must change IMMEDIATELY. But how now, when everything in life is lined? Will anyone ever understand her actions?

She doesn’t want to have this job. Nor to start a family and have a boring life. She wants to feel danger flowing through her veins, the unknown, the desire and mud, thick mixture of devastation and the pleasure of failing. A crash in her bones and destination. Now, she must claim it now.

What if it never comes? What is she is doomed for eternal boredom and obedience that only brings joy to her mother?

WHO made her do it?

Such misery. Now she knows, nobody made her do it. It was all her choice.

All these years wasted, looking in the mirror she realises she cannot recognise the woman that she is. The muscles on her faces are tensed in an unnatural manner. A little smile, at least.

Yes, Victoria’s job pays for her luminous apartment and she can buy chic clothes, but because of such exchange she stopped talking to God. She must loose it all,

loose it all. She must loose herself.

He doesn’t like me if he makes me live like this.

Is there more? She turns her legs towards the wall and questions God’s storage of capacities. Maybe she should look beyond the gaze of her mother’s lenses.

Victoria turn off the light and hopes to find the courage she needs to make a change, tomorrow. What happens if she does it?

Like an addict who desperately wants to stop abusing themselves, but loves their junk so so… Victoria promises herself before her lids close themselves, yes tomorrow she will resign and deep down knows she will fail again.

What would she do if not the job she has now?

One thing she is sure of, is wanting to have every ounce of the girl that takes orders, smiles when required and hands in assignment on time, punched out with a boxer’s glove out of her system.

She always believed she was not worthy the excitement. That it belonged to those who flourished with interesting ideas and had something valuable to share, something odd. She tried to become that woman, but had no idea what she was doing.

Giving up already in her head, she went and did what she was used to, not out of comfort but simply not knowing what else she’d do. She put on the office pants, placed her hair into a low positioned bun, refills her reusable coffee up and heads towards the elevator.

Today she is supposed to turn in the trimester report about the water filtration results. Ready to go!

Ready to do what she learned doing best- following what life chose, not

what excites her.

II.

Out of all activities the life in the city offers, walking to work is her favorite. Observing the nuances of the street borough her some sense of relaxation and peace that she does not have to perform. The smell of popcorn maker blurred with the greenery of tall trees and speedy changing colors of traffic lights were making perfect sense.

Victoria arrives at her office building 10 minutes earlier than she is supposed to. She chose a grey simple outfit, to provide certain level of comfort, that she won’t be able to afford soon.

In her hand she squashes little paper with a scribbled phone number.

She has to call now.

Her fingers tremble as she dials the number. Will he pick up?

-Hi Victoria, back to the office? How was your leave?- Melanie from the third floor greets her with a big smile and wonder.

She recalls all the empty container of chocolate ice cream spread unequally across her living room. The void and desire to take all those years back. Her mom would be so embarrassed.

-Laba diena- after couple turns of ringing a deep older male voice responds.

- Labas. it’s Victoria- she responded while biting her lip.

-I would love to visit you and aunt l Milena for some time.

The silence between the two lines is cold and long.

-I must go now, I call you when I get home, ask Milena what she thinks of the idea, I would be arriving in Kaunas-

Victoria throws her phone in her purse, presses her lips against each other and starts to run towards the stairs. She arrives at the offices door of her boss, ready to deliver the news.

she feels death creeping on her neck,

because she won’t be the same Victoria when she leaves the room.